Don't Go
by Jimaine Szardos
Summary: Renji has too many demons from his past to face alone but even after 20 years he still won't let Shuuhei in.


**Title:** Don't Go  
**Paring:** Abarai Renji/Hisagi Shuuhei  
**Rating:** PG  
**Labels:** M/M, Angst  
**Chapters:** 01  
**Word Count:** 1,743  
**Pages:** 3  
**Continuation:** No  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach nor do I make any money off of this.  
**Summery:** Renji has too many demons from his past to face alone but even after 20 years he still won't let Shuuhei in.

They were screaming at each other again. It seemed like all they ever did was scream at each other anymore. It hadn't always been like this. In the beginning, in the beginning it was just passion and love. But now, after almost 20 years... now all they ever seemed to do was fight.

"What in the hell am I supposed to do Renji? You never _tell _me anything!"

"Well did it ever occur to you that there are some things _you don't_ wanna know!"

"No Renji! It hasn't! Because there isn't anything you could tell me about yourself that would scare me away! I haven't run away yet and I'm not plain' on goin' anywhere either! Whatever happened to you out there, you can tell me about it. Damn it. I've been with you for 18 years Renji don't you think it's time you _let_ me in!" He groaned, he was shouting. He didn't want to be shouting. He just wanted to somehow make Renji understand his point of view, understand how _he_ was feeling.

"Hey don't start that shit Shuuhei. There's a bunch a' crap you don't tell me either."

The brunette took a step back and looked away. "That's different Renji."

"How? How the hell is that different?"

Shuuhei moved forward again coming back full force. "Because my tattoo isn't causing me to act like I hate you!"

Renji took a deep breath. "I don't hate you Shuuhei. I could never hate you."

The older of the two sighed and took a step closer to his lover. He reached out to take his hand and rubbed his thumb gently over the knuckles. "Then why can't you just tell me."

Renji growled and jerked away. "I already told you. You don't wanna know."

Shuuhei took a deep breath. He tried to be calm, he really tried. "Damn it Renji. Why... Ugh! Why do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Push me away?"

"I didn't push you anywhere Shuuhei."

The brunette growled with frustration."Fine then! Why do you _pull_ away from me then? What have I _ever_ done to make you _not_ want me touch you?"

"It's nothing _you've_ done Shuuhei."

Scowling Shuuhei scrubbed his hands through his hair. "That's _why_ you need to tell me what happened. Don't you get that Renji? If I don't know what's wrong how in the hell am I supposed to know what sets you off?"

Renji sat down on the couch with a grunt. "I don't know."

Shuuhei took another deep breath. "Well that's not much of an answer."

"Damn it Shuuhei! Why do ya gotta push me like this?" He slammed his fist down on the cushion beside him. "I told you already it ain't stuff you wanna know!"

"How the hell do you know that Renji? You have no idea what I'm thinking so stop pretending like you do!"

"I don't _have_ to know what your thinking Shuuhei. It doesn't matter if you think you wanna know or not. I told you I'm not talking about it with you."

"Then when will you? When will you be able to open up to me Renji because its been almost 20 years now and I'm startin' to think that _you_ don't care! Damn it Renji! It's like you don't trust me!"

Renji erupted before thinking. "I _don't _trust you! I don't trust _anyone_!"

Shuuhei's eyes opened wide for a moment and then he sunk back a step. All of his rage seemed to drain from him with those words. He looked down at the floor, then at the wall and blinked three times trying to process them. "Oh..." There was a fairly long pause before he could speak again. "I... I see." He took a deep breath and looked off to the side as if appraising the wall. He felt numb... he felt... heartbroken. "Well... if you can't trust me... if, after 20 years you still don't trust me... then I guess you never will and... and if that's the case then this will never work."

Renji looked up and met his lover's eyes. There was so much sadness in them, so much pain. What had he just said? "Shuuhei-"

"Don't." He put up his hand and took several steps back not meeting the redhead's eyes. "Just... don't. Let me go." He started to turn to walk away when he felt arms wrap tightly around him. "Renji-"

"I'm sorry. I... that's not how I meant it. You don't have to go Shuuhei."

Shuuhei shook his head. "No, it's okay Renji. I understand. You can't trust me. It doesn't matter what I do, or how I try, you can't trust me. I know that its not a reflection on me and the person I am because it isn't even about me... But... how am I supposed to fix something if I don't know how its broken? I've... I've put every thing I have into this, into _us_. I've done everything I can to make you feel comfortable, to make you feel safe and you still don't. You still pull away from me at night, you still..." Shuuhei shook his head. "I understand that you were hurt but _I've_ never done anything like that and I feel like I'm the one who's getting blamed for it."

"I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I just... sometimes... I can't help it and I don't even think about it. It has nothing to do with you Shuuhei."

Shuuhei nodded slowly. "I know Renji. I know that. And I'm not blaming you. It's just... when you push me away like that... every time it..." As Shuuhei took a deep breath Renji noticed he was shaking a little. "It hurts. Not being able to touch you. It hurts when I can't comfort you or hold you when you're upset. I... I can't do anything because if I touch you it'll just make it worse. I... can't you understand how hard it is for me to just sit there, _watching_ you in pain and knowing there isn't a damn thing I can do. Knowing that... that at that point... all I can do is make it worse."

Renji held him closer. "I'm sorry. I don't... I never thought... I didn't know that it was painful for you."

Shuuhei looked away at the wall again. "I know you didn't. That... that's part of the issue. I know that there are problems Renji. I know that you have things to work through but it doesn't feel like you are. Its... its like you just pushing them away as far as you can and hope they'll just go away on their own but Renji that won't work. They won't just go away and I can't keep doing this forever. I need to know that... that somewhere along the way it won't be like this. Or... at lest not so bad. I just need to know that you're trying to get over it and... I need you to let me in Renji. I know its hard but... You can't keep me at arms length for the rest of our lives."

Renji squeezed him and nuzzled against his hair. His chest hurt. It hurt so much he thought it might explode. "I... I don't know how to Shuu. I don't know how'da change. I don't even know if I can. But- I don' wanna lose you."

Shuuhei put one of his hands up to cover where Renji's arms were holding him and squeezed tightly. "I can't do it anymore Renji. If you don't trust me after all this... If you _can't_ trust me then... it just hurts too much. Trying to love you..." Shuuhei swallowed hard and he rested his head to the side against Renji's neck. "It hurts me."

Renji pulled the smaller man tightly into him and put his cheek down on Shuuhei's hair. "I... Shuuhei I love you. I don't... I never wanted to hurt you. You..." Renji tried to take a deep breath. He didn't want this. This wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want to break up. Just the thought of it made it damn near impossible for him to breath. "You were there for me, you've _always_ been there for me. You believed in me when no one else did. If it hadn't been for you... if I hadn't known you... I never would 'ave made it Shuuhei. You took care of me... you took care of me in ways I didn't even know I _needed_. I love you so much more than I can even tell you. I don't know _how_ to tell you. But you mean everything to me. You're the only... you're the only person I've ever felt like this about. I don't wan' you to go. I love you so much. Please. Please Shuuhei, I don't wanna lose you."

Shuuhei closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He didn't know what to do anymore. It hurt so much he almost wanted to cry. He couldn't understand how Renji could say he loved him but that he didn't trust him. How can you love somebody without trust? Shuuhei brought both of his arms up and wrapped them around Renji's pulling them down to wrap more around his waist. "I love you too. I _want_ to be with you Renji. If I even think about leaving you it breaks my heart." He snuggled closer against Renji's warmth. "All I want is to be with you but I can't anymore. Don't you get that Renji? It... everything hurts."

"It won't." Renji lowered his face and kissed Shuuhei's cheek softly. "You can stay Shuuhei. We'll work it out. We always do." He kissed lower, along his jaw. "I love you too much to let you go."

Shuuhei couldn't pull away, even if he wanted to. Feeling Renji holding him like that... the way he kissed him. He loved him so damn much. Shuuhei sunk back into Renji's arms letting himself relax against the redhead's body. "I don't wanna go."

"Then stay."

Shuuhei couldn't walk out anymore. He'd lost whatever will he'd managed to find. He didn't think he'd ever be able to walk out on him. He just loved him too much.

Turing in Renji's arms Shuuhei pulled himself up and wrapped both arms around his lover's neck. "I love you." He pulled Renji down into a kiss and both slowly started making their way back towards their bedroom.

"I love you too."


End file.
